Chassidic story & lesson

“Better that she be the widow and not you the widower”

This week’s Parsha is loaded with socially heavy subjects including infidelity [which is alluded to in the mitzvah of Sota], and consumption of alcohol [which is alluded to in the Mitzvah of Nazir]. While the mitzvah of Sota relates to an unfaithful wife, it also relates to Shalom Bayis. The drinking water of the Sota teaches us a great lesson in the importance of having a peaceful marriage and how significant this is in the eyes of God to the point that He’s willing to have His name erased within the water of curses in attempt to bring the wife back to her husbands favor. A harmonious relationship between husband and wife is crucial in a Jewish family and is one of the most important edifices of the Jewish religion. To raise emotionally and spiritually healthy children, it is imperative that the home be welcoming in an emotional and psychological way. Many very Frum homes which keep the highest standards of religious observance have lost their children to secularism and a non-observant or less observant form of life due to the dysfunction they grew up with in their home. Some such children want to run away from anything associated with the dysfunction at home and often associate the dysfunction with religion even though they are not connected. Others simply need outside stimulants to help them deal with the family dysfunction, whether it be searching for outside love or abuse of drugs. While of course family dysfunction isn’t the sole reason why children may choose other paths, and often it has nothing to do with the parents or family dynamics, for certain, having a dysfunctional home raises the chance that these outside stimulants will indeed cause one to choose a different path. Sometimes, the cause of the dysfunction is alcohol abuse on the part of the husband who has learned his drinking habits from Chassidic gatherings. Indeed, fact be told as unfortunate as it may sound, marriages have fallen apart as a direct result of this alcohol abuse which a boy picked up in his yeshiva days at times with the encouragement of his Rabbi’s. Alcoholism leads to many serious consequences in a family dynamic, including domestic violence, child abuse, both physical and verbal, inability to keep a job which brings on financial strain, and so on and so forth. More important than having beautiful family pictures on Facebook and other forms of social media where everyone appears peaceful and in love, is actually making sure that this takes place in the house. This is what truly counts and is what is truly necessary to fulfill Hashem’s will in both marriage and raising children. [While I’m fully aware that these subjects are not subjects that are normally breached and talked about in a Devar Torah, often being left for taboo, the fact is, that these matters are prevalent in families and hence need to be breached and approached for the sake of people catching these matters early enough to stop the home from becoming dysfunctional. Those who need help should go to counseling and most importantly, everyone should take preventive measures from allowing his family dynamics from spiraling out of control by setting guidelines and rules that you keep as a family to ensure the peace and harmony of the home.] The following story that we will share emphasizes the dangers of alcoholism in a marriage and how the wife had her marriage saved by the Tzadik.

The drunken wife beater and how his wife found salvation:^[1]

A woman who suffered from a difficult marriage of domestic abuse once came to the holy Rabbi, Rabbi Ze’ev of Zhitomir, the author of Or HaMeir. She cried before him bitterly and said: “Woe to me, where is my merit? My husband drinks heavily and is severely addicted. He beats me with utter cruelty every time he gets drunk. I once ran away to my parents to seek refuge from him, but he managed to come after me and soft talk me back into the marriage promising never to hurt me again, and also promised to stop his drinking habits. However, after some time he re-continued with the drinking, and of course his beatings and violence once again resumed. In fact, he has now even started spreading rumors that I have not been faithful to him, and that I have secluded myself with another man with whom I was promiscuous. This of course is not true and it is all part of his evil and cruel scheme to torture my soul” The woman cried profusely to the rabbi, and told him that she had requested from her husband that he give her a Get, and that he refuses to do so and replied that he would rather be a widower then be a divorcee.

The tzaddik responded to her that she should come in together with her husband to see him. However, knowing that he would not agree to come, he told the woman to put on the following act for the next few weeks for the sake of persuading her husband to come. She should return home and make believe that everything is fine in the marriage, and not make an issue about anything, not his drinking nor his abuse. Praise him and speak to him only good and positive things. You yourself should start drinking alcohol together with him and even though you may hate it, make believe you love it and become his drinking partner. Praise the alcohol with saying how delicious it tastes and tell your husband that you will no longer fight with him about drinking as now that you have discovered the taste of alcohol you understand where he’s coming from. After several weeks of doing so, tell your husband that you have discovered a new alcoholic beverage that is praised to be one of the best in the world in a town nearby. Of course, you should tell him the name of my city and bring him to my chambers under the guise that there he will find a bottle of delicious alcohol that he has never yet tasted.

The woman did as the tzaddik had advised her to do, and after several weeks, she arrived together with her husband to his quarters. The tzaddik poured for them a cup of a special and rare alcoholic beverage, one cup for the husband and one cup for the wife. The husband immediately grabbed the cup and drank it down. He praised the alcohol as the best that he has ever tasted. The wife also enjoyed her cup, after which the tzaddik said to her if you have not strayed from your husband, then you shall be cleansed from the cursed waters. As soon a he finished saying this statement which was usually reserved for the Sotah waters in temple times, the husband began screaming in pain saying that the alcohol is burning up his insides. He began begging and shouting at the tzaddik to have mercy on him and help him, as he feels like hot burning coals are in the stomach and he will surely shortly die if there is no intervention. The tzaddik responded to him, it is better that she become a widow than you become a widower. When the husband heard these words, he fell on his face and began crying profusely. The tzaddik instructed him to confess all of his sins, and that he must make a promise that from now on he will behave respectfully with his wife, and certainly no longer abuse her in any way and that he is committed to a peaceful relationship. The man readily took upon himself the resolution, although the tzaddik warned him that if he ever goes back to his evil ways the waters will return to have their effect and he will immediately die and nothing will be able to save him. However, the tzaddik informed the husband, you will no longer have a lust for alcohol as these waters that you drank have completely burned away your desire for alcohol from now on. On the contrary you will now loath alcohol. The man and wife traveled home and lived together with love and peace from now on, and he became a complete Baal Teshuvah.

[1] Sippurei Chassidim Zevin Naso p. 100 story 321