Preparations done on the day of intimacy

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Preparations done on the day of intimacy:

  1. Complimenting on the day of scheduled intimacy/Mikveh:[1]

It is of upmost importance for the couple to be emotionally prepared for intimacy when it is scheduled to take place that day, such as on Friday nights or the night of Mikveh. Ideally, this obligation falls on the husband, for him to mentally and emotionally prepare his wife to want to be with him. Naturally, being that women are more emotional than men, they require more preparation time. There is no need for this preparation to be delayed until it is time for actual intimacy, and rather, throughout the day the husband is to show his wife extra love, attention, care, and sensitivity. Doing so will make the intimacy that much more powerful and progressive, as opposed to if one just begins to show love and care only at the time that the intimacy is to take place. This especially applies on the day of Mikveh, although making sure that all the Harchaka regulations are followed. Men must remember that while they yearn more for the physical touch and sexual experience, women yearn more for the emotional aspect of the relationship and need to receive that first, prior to becoming submissive and desiring the physical intimacy.

The following matters can be done as signs of love and care on the day of scheduled intimacy and on the day of Mikveh:

  1. Helping with house chores.
  2. Taking care of the kids.
  3. Complimenting her on different matters that have meaning to her, in which she seeks compliments, such as her dedication as a wife, her goodness to the kids, successfulness in house chores, and successfulness at work.
  4. Buying her a small gift to be given after Mikveh. Even a small treat such as chocolate can do wonders.

  1. Mikveh:[2]

It is proper for the husband to immerse in a Mikveh on the day of intimacy. This especially applies on the scheduled day of Mikveh for his wife.[3] This is done in order to draw down holiness from above during the intimacy.[4]

  1. Torah Learning:[5]

It is proper for the husband to study extra amounts of Torah on the day that intimacy is scheduled to take place. This especially applies on the night of Mikveh.[6] See Halacha 3B for the full details of this matter!

  1. Avoiding foods that can cause bad breath and releasing of gas:[7]

On a day of scheduled intimacy, the couple is to avoid eating foods that can cause them to have bad breath, or cause them to be gassy and need to flatulate, as all these things decrease theior spouse’s attraction to them. Although, ideally these restrictions should be kept throughout the marriage, it is especially important to keep them on the day of intimacy.


[1] See Bach 280 in explanation of Tur 280, “It seems that the Tur is coming to teach us that one must beware that prior to the arrival of night he is obligated to show her affection, and certainly may not fight on Erev Shabbos, and must appease her before Shabbos in the event that they got into a fight. In short, he should pursue her throughout Erev Shabbos, to show her love and friendship in order so he does not nullify the Onah” and that so did Yehuda the son of Rebbe Chiyah; Ataz; Kaf Hachaim 280:3; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] 12:1

[2] Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osiyis Taharah 1:242 regarding if he is a Ba’al Keri; Siddur Arizal; Sefer Zechus Yisrael Mareches Hei; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 63:19

[3] Or Tzadikim 27:6; Elya Raba 240:6; Kaf Hachaim 240:25; Or Hayashar 15:11

[4] Elya Raba ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[5] Kaf Hachaim 240:4 that so did Arizal, that he would learn Torah until midnight on the night of Mikveh, and then have intercourse; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo p. 383

[6] Chupas Chassanim p. 160

[7] See Shabbos 140b that Rav Chisda instructed his daughters not to eat foods that cause bad breath and that can cause flatulence or diarrhea. No mention is made that this specifically refers to times of planned intimacy. It is obvious that these rules apply likewise to the husband.

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